


Jack O'Nella

by SMB814



Series: Stargate Fairy Tales [1]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-03-01
Updated: 1999-03-01
Packaged: 2017-10-06 06:56:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/50916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SMB814/pseuds/SMB814
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A modern retelling of the fairy tale "Cinderella."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jack O'Nella

**Author's Note:**

> **Time Frame/Spoilers:** Written during Season 2. There are a lot of little references to first and second season episodes, but nothing major.  
> **Obligatory Disclaimer Stuff:** As much as I wish I did, I don't own Stargate SG-1 or any of its characters. They're the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is written only for entertainment purposes and no money has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story belong to me. Not to be archived without my permission.   
> **Author's Notes:** This is my first non-serious fanfic, and hopefully the first in a Fairy Tales series. If you're looking for something serious, you'd better read a different story because this is _not_ it. Feedback is always welcome.

Jack O'Nella (As Told by Daniel Jackson)

Once upon a time there lived a man named Jack O'Nella.

"Hi, nice to meet you. Please, call me Jack."

Jack loved astronomy, so he enlisted in the Air Force.

"Hey, that isn't right. Astronomy lovers should enlist at NASA, not the Air Force."

I know that, Jack, but you work for the Air Force, remember?

"Oh."

Besides, as you'll see, NASA doesn't exist.

"It doesn't?"

Nope. If you hadn't interrupted me, you would've known that.

"Sorry."

It's okay. Now, can I _please_ get back to the story?

"I guess so."

Good. So where was I? Oh yes, Jack enlisted in the Air Force. Now, those were the days when spaceships were a standard method of transportation to faraway planets. Since _NASA didn't exist_...

"Oh for crying out loud, you made your point a few seconds ago! Get over it already!"

...the Air Force controlled all interplanetary travel. They set up all the rules and regulations, such as the price of the trips to outer space, which planets were on each space route, and who could travel to which planet. They also guarded the planet against hostile aliens who tried to stow away in returning space ships and take over the world. All these operations were centered at an ex-military base called Space Gondola Central.

"More fondly known as the SGC."

The SGC was presided over by a man known only by the name General Hammond.

"Actually, those of us who know him well call him Teddy Bear."

Whatever. General Hammond was a brilliant man who loved ordering people around. He made all the decisions at the SGC. A pin couldn't drop at the base without him knowing about it. It was his decision that Jack should be a janitor.

"Excuse me, what? I didn't hear you right. I thought you just said I was a _janitor_?"

That's right, a janitor.

"Um, why?"

Well, you used to be the man who guarded the telescopes until General Hammond caught you using the telescope to spy on the neighbors.

"Oh."

That's a _big_ no-no at the SGC.

"Oh."

Anyway, one day the planet P5T 359 219 468 293...

"I thought planets only had six numbers or letters designating their location."

Not anymore. Now they have fifteen. Anyway, the planet sent out an envoy to the SGC announcing that the beautiful Princess Samantha Carter...

"I was waiting for her to show up in this story. So she's a princess, huh? Sweet!"

...was holding an intergalactic space jam in two weeks. She was searching for a man who possessed enough strength and cunning and sarcasm...

"That would be me."

...to beat the evil Apophis in a game of street hockey.

"You'd better believe I can play hockey! I'm there!"

The winner would be awarded a golden hockey stick and would be given a kiss by the beautiful Princess Samantha Carter.

"I'm _so_ there."

All the employees of the SGC were invited to attend. However, since space travel was very expensive...

"No kidding! Did you know it costs a billion dollars just to turn the lights on around the base?"

That's fascinating, now shut up.

"Well, that's rude."

So are your constant interruptions and comments!

"I'm just adding important details to the story."

Like the fact that you call General Hammond "Teddy Bear"?! Since _when_ is that important?

"Hey, it's important to understanding his character. If the reader can envision a grandfatherly, teddy-bear-like figure in charge...."

Jack, he made you a janitor.

"So?"

So he's not the hero of this story! I don't know if I can even call him a good guy!

"As you so elegantly pointed out earlier, I deserved the position of janitor."

Whoa. Now _there's_ a confession you won't get every day.

"Will you _please_ get back to the story?"

Fine. Where was I?

"Space travel is very expensive."

_Thank_ you.

"No problem."

_Anyway_, because space travel is so expensive...

"Is there an echo in here?"

No. Because space travel is so expensive, Jack was unable to afford the exorbitant prices General Hammond placed on the space ship flight to P5T 359 219 468 293.

"Don't I get a discount because I'm an employee?"

It's not enough.

"How much is it?"

I don't know. It's just not enough.

"I want a figure."

Fine. A typical trip to P5T 359 219 468 293 costs $150,000,000. Your discount because you're an employee is only $500.

"One way or round trip?"

One way.

"Coach or first class?"

Coach.

"Let me get this straight. $150,000,000 for a third class seat on a one way trip to P5T 359 219 468 293?!"

It's nice to know that you listen to me every now and then.

"Isn't that a little expensive?"

I told you space travel was expensive. That's why you can't go.

"There has to be a way. What kind of savings do I have tucked away in the bank?"

You have a janitor's position, remember? You have maybe $5,000 in the bank, if you're lucky.

"But I really want to go."

Will you just listen to the rest of the story?!

"Fine! But you'd better get me to P5T 359 219 468 293!"

_Ahem_. Anyway, the others at the base were able to afford the trip. General Hammond wanted one of his officers to be the winner of the contest, so he gathered Charlie Kawalsky...

"Hey, I realize he's a great hockey player but...isn't he dead?"

No. You're thinking of a different universe.

"Oh. Sorry."

...Graham Simmons...

"Okay, so we know why he's going."

Sigh. Fine, I'll play along. Why is that?

"He's got a crush on Carter and just wants that kiss. But the poor kid couldn't play street hockey if his life depended on it!"

That's great, Jack. Thank you for clarifying that. Another officer going on the trip was Colonel Mayborne.

"Ewww."

The final officer General Hammond wanted to take along was Sergeant Siler.

"You know, it's funny but I really don't know a thing about him."

I don't find that funny.

"Do you _need_ to argue with me all the time?"

_Me_ argue with _you_? Now _that's_ funny. Besides, you started it.

"Did not."

Did too.

"Did not."

Did too.

"Did not."

Did not.

"Did too! And that's final!"

Good. Back to the story. Since Jack was the only person at the base who was good enough to beat Apophis and because he couldn't afford to go, General Hammond ordered him to teach his officers how to play street hockey.

"Kawalsky doesn't need to learn. He's beat me at the game a couple times already."

Let's pretend he's not good at it, for the sake of the story. Okay?

"Fine, but I'm not the one that needs to be convinced. Try telling _him_ that!"

He's a one-dimensional character in this story. He's not important, and, therefore, he does _not_ need to be convinced of that. Right, Kawalsky?

.....

See, he can't even answer when we ask him a question. Okay? Or did you hear something that I didn't?

"I still think he's dead and _that's_ why he didn't answer."

I'm not even going to respond to that one. Anyway, Jack spent the next two weeks training Kawalsky, Simmons, Mayborne...

"Hack! Cough! Someone call the paramedics! I think I just got cooties!"

...and Siler. Their skill improved, but they still could not compare to Jack at street hockey. However, Hammond insisted they go, and bought them all new hockey sticks and pucks. On the day of the space jam...

"It only takes one day to get there?"

Ever heard of hyper launch?

"Maybe." Well, that's the standard for modern intergalactic space travel. Don't worry, they'll make it there before the space jam.

"Yay."

Anyway, they set out for P5T 359 219 468 293 in the I.S.S. Samuels.

"Wow, haven't heard from him in awhile. I wonder what he's been up to."

Naming spaceships after himself.

"What?"

I said, he's been naming spaceships after himself. That's why Hammond and his four officers went off in the I.S.S. Samuels.

"Oh. Is that a good paying job?"

I don't know, probably.

"Hmmm...maybe after this story I should change my name to O'Neill and name space ships after myself."

It probably pays better than your janitor position.

"That's what I was thinking."

Anyway, Jack was depressed because he'd missed his chance to beat Apophis and win a golden hockey stick and a kiss from Princess Carter.

"Boo hoo. I am so depressed."

You sound like it. So instead of moping, he made a wish.

"I wish I could go to P5T 359 219 468 293 and beat Apophis in street hockey!"

To Jack's utter amazement, his wish was heard.

"AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!! Oh, sorry, Teal'c, I didn't recognize you with that stringy blond wig, frilly pink dress, and magic wand."

"This is not a magic wand, Colonel O'Neill. It is my staff weapon."

"Pssstt, Teal'c, my name's Jack O'Nella, not Colonel O'Neill. You'll have to call me Jack."

"Very well, Colonel Jack."

"Not 'Colonel Jack.' Just Jack."

"Jack."

"Right. So who're you supposed to be?"

"Your Fairy Godjaffa."

"You're kidding. _I_ have a Fairy Godjaffa?!"

"Indeed you do."

"Wow, this must be my lucky day!"

As Jack had deduced, today _was_ his lucky day...

"Where does that voice come from?"

"Oh, that's just Daniel narrating from some faraway place. Don't worry about it, Teal'c."

"I see."

...for his Fairy Godjaffa had come to grant him one wish.

"Oh, Fairy Godjaffa, I really, really, really want to go to P5T 359 219 468 293 and beat Apophis in a game of street hockey!"

"I am sorry, Jack, but I do not know how to do that which you ask for."

"What?! I thought you were a Fairy Godjaffa who could make my dreams come true!"

"It is true I am a Fairy Godjaffa, but I do not know how to make your dreams come true."

"But isn't that what fairies do?"

"They do?"

"Oh, for crying out loud, Teal'c, don't you know what a fairy is?"

"I do not."

"I can't believe this. How am I supposed to get to P5T 359 219 468 293 _now_? Oh, narrator? Would you like to take over now?"

Right. Jack's Fairy Godjaffa didn't know it yet, but he held the key that would answer Jack's wish.

"I do?"

You do. Look inside your purse. See that keyring with the little 'I Love My Symbiote' ornament on it?

"Yes."

Now, see the door directly in front of you?

"Yes."

See the lock?

"Yes."

Put the key in the lock and turn.

"Very well. I shall do as you wish."

When the door had opened and the Fairy Godjaffa's staff weapon had begun to glow, they could see that inside the room was a table with only a donut and a mushroom on it.

"Um, a donut?"

And a mushroom.

"Fine, a donut and a mushroom. How is _that_ going to help me get to P5T 359 219 468 293?"

Just watch. The Fairy Godjaffa's staff weapon grew brighter and brighter until tiny sparks shot from the end of it.

"Cool. Fireworks."

Suddenly, the donut and the mushroom began to grow in size until they stood upright and broke the table.

"I'd better not have to pay for that. It would take a nice little chunk out of my savings account."

When the donut and the mushroom had finished growing, the donut filled an entire wall, and the mushroom was directly in front of them.

"I was unaware my staff weapon contained such magical abilities."

"Hey, I'm not complaining."

Jack and his Fairy Godjaffa walked up to the mushroom. On the top were several large buttons.

"Perhaps we should push several of these buttons."

"Ya know, that was my thought as well."

So the Fairy Godjaffa pushed several of the buttons.

"Which ones do I press?"

"Beats me. Pick some."

"Very well. I shall do as you ask."

Miraculously, the Fairy Godjaffa picked all of the correct symbols for the planet P5T 359 219 468 293! The donut began dialing.

"I'm impressed, Teal'c. How'd you know all the symbols to dial P5T 359 219 468 293?"

"I do not know. I must have learned them when I was a schoolboy on Chu'lac."

"Uh-huh."

"There was one winter where I had to walk fifteen miles to get to school."

"Uh-huh."

"In the snow."

"Uh-huh."

"Backwards."

"Backwards?"

"Backwards."

"Wait a minute, Teal'c, they made you walk backwards through the snow for fifteen miles just to get to school?"

"That is correct."

"Um, I think I speak for all the readers here when I ask _why_?! Are you _nuts_?!"

"I am not a nut. I am a fairy."

".... Keep those positive thoughts coming, Teal'c."

The donut continued dialing.

"Hey, Daniel, how long do we have to wait before it's done dialing?"

I don't know.

"You don't know?!

Well, I've never traveled to a planet that needed this many symbols.

"Defense by ignorance."

What did you say?

"Nothing."

"He said 'defense by ignorance.'"

"Thank you, Teal'c."

"You are welcome."

I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

"Hey, you called me ignorant back on...that one planet!"

I had a headache!

"So did I!"

"Would you two please be nice to one another? The donut has finished dialing."

"Fine."

Fine. When the donut had finished dialing, a huge spout of water shot out from the center of it.

"Hey, I got wet!"

"As did I. The lace on my dress is ruined by the water and my hair is a mess."

"....."

.....

"What? I do not understand why you are laughing."

The horror.

"Your poor dress, Teal'c. Daniel and I feel...so sorry for you. Don't we, Daniel?"

Yeah...so sorry.

"I am sorry to interrupt your amusement, but does not Jack have a space jam to attend?"

Oh, right. Anyway, now that the donut had opened a wormhole to P5T 359 219 468 293...

"Who said anything about that being a worm hole?"

I did.

"I noticed. I don't want to travel through that thing if worms use it!"

Do you want to go to P5T 359 219 468 293 or not?

"Well, yeah but...."

Then don't worry about it!

"Fine."

Fine. Now that there was a wormhole established, all Jack had to do was step through the water and he would arrive on P5T 359 219 468 293. His Fairy Godjaffa reached into his purse and pulled out a present for Jack.

"This enchanted hockey stick is for you, Jack, as is this enchanted hockey puck."

"Whoa, there, buddy, just how deep is that purse you have?"

"It is quite deep."

"No kidding. Thanks for the equipment."

"You are welcome. As long as you have this equipment, General Hammond and his officers will be unable to recognize you. In addition, this stick is designed only for you. No one else may use it."

Hmm...I may have to reword that last line. It sounds a bit redundant.

"What are you jabbering about?"

Huh? Oh, I was just thinking that saying the stick is "designed only for you" and then saying "no one else may use it" is a bit redundant.

"Um, that's...great, Daniel. Can you rewrite it later? I'm a bit busy right now. How's about you just send me to P5T 359 219 468 293?"

If you insist. Before Jack could go, his Fairy Godjaffa gave him a warning.

"You must beat Apophis before midnight or else this standing circle will once again become a donut and you will never be able to return to Earth. General Hammond and his officers will recognize who you are. Also, if you wait any longer, your equipment will lose its enchantment and you will be sure to lose to Apophis."

"That's quite a warning."

"Indeed it is. You must go now."

"What about you? Are you going to come with me?"

"I cannot. I must change my wig and dress. They are wet."

"....."

.....

"I do not appreciate it when you laugh at me."

"....Sorry."

Sorry.

"Hey, Teal'c, thanks again for your help."

"It was my pleasure. I shall see you upon your return."

And with those words, Jack's Fairy Godjaffa was gone. Jack took a deep breath and stepped through the donut. A second later, he found himself upon P5T 359 219 468 293.

"Wow, that was fast."

Isn't modern technology great?

"Sure, whatever you say. Whoa, who is _that_?!"

"Hello, I am Princess Samantha Carter."

"You are."

And she was.

"Who's that talking?"

"Daniel. He's playing the omniscient, omnipresent narrator. Feel free to give him as hard a time as you want, Princess."

"Sounds like fun."

Now wait just one minute....

"Oh, and please, call me Sam."

"Okay, Sam, a pleasure to meet you. I'm Jack."

"Jack. You're here to challenge Apophis in a game of street hockey?"

"I am."

"You are."

"So, do you always greet your guests personally, Sam?"

"Only the ones who come through the center of a giant donut."

"I see."

"You do."

Okay, guys, cut it out. That joke got old _really_ fast.

"Hey, you made it up!"

So? What's your point?

"Never mind."

Anyway, Princess Carter...

"Sam."

What?

"I said you should call me Sam."

Sorry. _Sam_ led Jack to her huge scientific laboratory inside the castle.

"Wait a minute. A _science_ lab?"

"What's wrong with science?"

"...I don't know."

"Can't a princess be both beautiful _and_ smart?"

"Well, not in a _normal_ fairy tale..."

What made you think this was a _normal_ fairy tale?

"Yeah, if Daniel's telling it, there's _no way_ it can be normal."

Exactly. Hey...

"Score one for Sam. Now, where were we?"

"This is the science lab, where we transform sub-atomic particles into...."

Sam proceeded to tell Jack all about their latest experiments.

"And then we..."

Jack tried as hard as he could...

"Uh-huh."

...but he was unable to understand what Sam was telling him...

"See, then we combine..."

"Uh-huh."

...so then Jack fell asleep.

"Zzzzzz..."

"Jack?"

Jack dreamed of Fairy Godjaffa...

"Hi, Teal'c."

...wearing frilly pink dresses...

"Um..."

...in stringy blond wigs...

"...help..."

...until they started multiplying and there were twenty of them floating before his eyes.

"AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!"

And then Jack woke up.

"Wow, that was a scary dream."

He discovered that Sam had left him lying asleep in the science lab, so he got up and left the castle. In the courtyard, he saw people playing hockey. Sam walked up to him.

"Hi again, Jack."

"Hi."

"We started the match without you. You'll have to play last since you were asleep when we assigned match times."

"Okay."

They watched for awhile. First, Kawalsky tried. He put forth a valiant effort, in spite of the fact that he couldn't move.

"I really think he's dead, Daniel."

Whatever. In any case, Apophis won the match.

"Ha! No one can beat me!"

Next, Simmons tried, but he tripped on a crack in the asphalt while making puppy dog eyes at Sam.

"Ouch!"

"Hey, Mr. Narrator, I thought you said one-dimensional characters couldn't talk in this story."

Oh, no, that wasn't Simmons. That was me. I dropped an ancient Egyptian artifact on my foot.

"Oh, for crying out loud..."

"Are you okay, Daniel?"

Sure. Thanks, Sam. Continuing onward, Apophis won again.

"Ha! No one can beat me!"

Next, Mayborne tried. Apophis screamed in terror.

"AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!"

He ran to the sidelines and grabbed his staff weapon. Then he shot Mayborne.

"Hey, _I_ wanted to do that."

Next time, Jack. Don't worry, he'll live.

"Yippee."

So Apophis won again.

"Ha! No one can beat me!"

"Hey, Daniel, can't we break that tape recorder that keeps repeating 'Ha, no one can beat me'?"

Not yet, Sam. One more to go.

"Oh."

Next, Siler tried. Apophis took one look at him before his head tilted in confusion.

"Huh? Who are _you_?"

Siler was depressed because nobody knew who he was, so he sat down to the side of the goal and didn't move. Apophis won again.

"Ha! No one can beat me!"

Okay, guys, here's the tape recorder. Do whatever you want to it.

"_Thank_ you."

"Um, Sam, isn't that a little drastic?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I didn't think it was _that_ obnoxious that it had to be smashed, smushed, crushed, pulverized, burned, and then drowned."

"You didn't?"

"Not really."

"Oh."

By this time it was already 11:30 p.m.

"Um, I have to be getting home soon..."

Jack could tell the time by a huge grandfather clock that was sitting in the center of the hockey field.

"Say, Sam, why is there a clock in the middle of the hockey field?"

"Oh, it's a tradition my father has. At 11:30 every night he brings his grandfather clock out to the hockey field and leaves it there until midnight."

"Um...why?"

"I...don't know. It's just a tradition we've always had."

"It's just a little bizarre, that's all."

"I suppose it is."

But Sam would not remove the grandfather clock.

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"I can make it a direct order."

"Won't work. I'm a princess, you're a janitor."

"Wait a minute, how did you know that?"

"Daniel told me while you were asleep."

"Thanks, Daniel."

No problem. So Jack grabbed his enchanted hockey stick and his enchanted puck and went to the hockey field. Apophis laughed.

"_You_ think you can beat me? You are only a janitor! Hahahaha!"

"Daniel, how many people did you tell that to?!"

Let's see, there's Sam and Apophis, of course, and that white mime-like alien over there and the Tollan who came from the Nox world and Tonani and the alternate reality version of you and...

"Wait a minute, the alternate reality version of me is here?"

"Hi, Jack."

"Jack?"

"Yup, that's me."

"No, that's _me_."

"I don't think so. _I'm_ Jack."

"Hi, nice to meet you both. I'm another Jack."

"Daniel? Who's _this_ now?"

Oh, I forgot about that one. He's the clone Harlan made of you.

"Great."

While the three Jacks were arguing over who was the real Jack, Apophis scored a goal.

"Yes!"

The three Jacks looked up in surprise.

"Huh?"

Then alternate reality Jack decided it would be best for him to return to his reality.

"Bye, Jack. And Jack."

"Bye."

"Bye."

Next clone Jack left.

"Bye, Jack. Good luck."

"Bye. Thanks."

So Jack took his enchanted hockey stick, his enchanted hockey puck, and began to play hockey against Apophis. Jack scored a goal.

"Yes!"

Then Apophis scored a goal.

"No!"

They continued to play until they were tied. Whoever got the next point would win. Jack looked at the huge grandfather clock in the middle of the hockey field.

"Oh no! 11:55 p.m.!"

Then the enchanted hockey stick and the enchanted hockey puck began to glow. The stick connected with the puck and...

"Come on..."

...and...

"Come on!"

...it entered Apophis' net.

"Yes!"

Jack had won.

"I won!"

Then the grandfather clock began to ring. Once...

"Uh-oh."

...twice...

"I have to get home!"

...three times.

"Sorry I can't stay for my prize, Sam!"

Jack ran toward the huge donut. As the last bell was ringing, he dove through the donut.

"Wait!"

But Sam was too late to catch him. The donut shrunk in size until it looked like a normal donut again.

"Drat, it's just a chocolate-covered donut again."

On the other side of the donut, Jack flew out, knocking over his Fairy Godjaffa.

"Ooof!"

Jack's Fairy Godjaffa looked down at his new clothes. He had changed into a frilly blue dress with a purse to match it and a brunette wig. Only problem was, Jack had knocked him into a cup of coffee. It had spilled all over his clothes.

"Sorry, Teal'c."

"My new dress is stained with coffee."

"....."

.....

"I believe I am going to ignore you. You just made it home in time."

"Tell me about it."

"What more is there to tell? I do not know the whole story."

"It's a figure of speech, Teal'c. Oh, never mind."

Jack looked at his hands. The enchanted hockey stick was gone!

"Oops, must've left it back on P5T 359 219 468 293."

"I see. Did you win?"

"Yup. Thanks to your help."

"I am pleased I could be of assistance, O'Neill."

"Jack, remember?"

"Jack."

But the next day, Jack was feeling down because he hadn't been able to claim his prize. He'd wanted the golden hockey stick, but even more than that he'd wanted the kiss from the beautiful...

"And smart."

...and smart Princess Samantha Carter. Hammond and the officers returned that afternoon, upset that a hotshot, nameless...

"Sam knew my name."

Yeah, but Hammond and his officers didn't. They didn't recognize you.

"Oh."

...nameless hockey player had beat them. Hammond ordered Jack around more that day than normal, which just made Jack feel even more down.

"Boo hoo."

Thank you. Sam, however, had not forgotten about Jack. She was determined to find him and give him his prize. She sent spaceships everywhere in the galaxy trying to find him, but no one could use the enchanted hockey stick.

"I _will_ find him, you know."

We know, Sam. But not yet.

"If you say so."

I do.

"He does."

Okay, that joke is getting _really_ old.

"_Getting_? It was already old when you started it."

Sigh. Score another point for Sam. Let's go back to Jack, shall we?

"Hi, nice to meet you. Please, call me Jack."

Sure. Jack spent the day moping and doing what Hammond asked him to do. The day was very boring...

"Ho-hum."

...until a special spaceship arrived at the SGC.

"Oh goodie. Company."

Princess Samantha Carter stepped out of the spaceship and was greeted by General Hammond. She told him who she was looking for.

"We've searched the entire galaxy looking for the owner of this hockey stick and puck. No one can use it. We're hoping the owner is here."

So General Hammond brought out his officers and each tried to use the hockey stick to hit the puck. First Kawalsky tried, but he couldn't lift the stick.

"I still think he's dead."

I know you do. Next, Simmons tried, but his eyes were glued to Sam and he ended up hitting himself on the head with the stick.

"Ouch!"

"Let me guess, that came from you, right, Daniel?"

Yeah, actually this time I dropped an encyclopedia on my foot...

"Oh for crying out loud, what are you _doing_, Daniel?"

"You okay, Daniel?"

Yeah, fine. Thanks, Sam. Anyway, next Mayborne tried to use the hockey stick, but when he hit the puck, it bounced off the wall and hit him in the stomach, right where Apophis had shot him. He keeled over in pain.

"Hey, you told me _I_ could do that the next time."

Sorry, not yet, Jack. Soon.

"Good."

Next, Siler tried to use the hockey stick, but when he lifted it, it began to talk to him.

"I'm sorry, you can't use me. I don't know who you are."

Siler became depressed again and ran out of the room. Sam was disappointed.

"I've searched the entire galaxy, and this is my last stop. Are you sure there's no one else at this base who might be able to use this equipment? Somebody, maybe like a janitor named Jack?"

Hammond reluctantly found Jack and brought him to Sam.

"Hi."

"Hi. Can you use this?"

"Sure I can."

Jack picked up the hockey stick and it began to glow, as did the puck. He hit the puck with the stick and it flew through the door and knocked a donut and a mushroom off the table in the next room. Suddenly, the donut and the mushroom grew until they had reached their previous size.

"It's you!"

"It's me!"

So Sam gave Jack the golden hockey stick and then she gave him the long-awaited kiss. Jack was so happy that he ran around the base five times, shouting in joy. The donut was renamed the Stargate, the mushroom was renamed the DHD, and Space Gondola Central was renamed Stargate Command. Jack changed his last name to O'Neill with two 'L's because he was afraid of being confused with Jack O'Neil who only had one 'L' in his last name. Hammond realized he had been wrong to make Jack a janitor and promoted him to the position of Colonel. He also offered him the job of leading a team known as SG-1 through the Stargate on a weekly basis. Hammond then fired Mayborne, but not before Jack had the chance to shoot him. They never got along after that.

Jack's Fairy Godjaffa decided he didn't like the dress, the purse, or the wig anymore and gave them to a local charity. He did, however, keep his staff weapon, although it never did any more amazing things again besides firing. He changed his name to Teal'c since that's what Jack kept calling him, had a shiny gold tattoo placed in his forehead, and moved into the SGC.

Sam abandoned her planet and moved to Earth. She moved her scientific equipment to the SGC. She still loves ranting about her experiments, and Jack still falls asleep while she's explaining them, but they're both okay with that. Both she and Teal'c became members of Jack's Stargate team.

As for me...

"Yeah, Daniel, what about you?"

"Why don't you join us on our adventures through the Stargate?"

You mean it? You really want me to come along with you through the Stargate?

"Of course we do!"

"What do you say?"

Well, as for me, I joined SG-1 as an archaeologist. We fight the Goa'uld from time to time and we've gotten ourselves into some sticky situations, but all in all we're a cozy little family. So, in the end, all I can really say is...

And they all lived happily ever after.

The End


End file.
